Last partial update: July 2016 - Please read disclaimer before proceeding

I would like to start this most important section of the website with a quote.

‘ The most important way of remembering someone (a friend or relative) is by being the person they made us, at least in some part, and living the life that they have helped shape (throught their association with us). Sometimes they (i.e. friends or relatives) are not worth remembering ..... But when they are worth remembering, then being someone they have helped fashion and living a life they have helped forge are not only how we remember them; they are how we honour them.’
Mark Rowlands, philosopher and author, (from the book The Philosopher and the Wolf, Granta Publications, London UK, 2008.)

The above quote was written about friends, but I think it is very apt for parents also. Children cannot choose their parents and parents play a uniquely important role in shaping the lives of their children. Thus, more than anyone else, parents have the responsibility of ensuring they are people that their children choose to honour in their own ‘life narrative’ through choosing to incorporate in that narrative the 'life' values and characteristics that their parents have promoted and, most importantly, practiced. All parents face different hurdles and there is no single correct way to be a parent. All parents need to find their own path. What is important is that parents think carefully about their task and make the effort to do their best. I hope this section contributes helpfully to this task.

 

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Childhood and adolescent brain development

Before talking about the task of parenting, it is perhaps worthwhile examining the 'challenge' that is being dealt with; the child and adolescent brain. In the past it was felt that the human brain matured at about 12 years of age. This thinking has now been completely overturned and probably an age of 20 years in females and 23 years in males is a more reasonable estimate.

The brain grows in a number of cycles. In utero, brain cell numbers increase until about six months and then a culling of cells that are ‘unnecessary’ takes place before birth. (Abnormalities in this culling process may be responsible for the development of disorders such as autism.)

A second wave of growth and culling occurs in mid to late childhood and adolescence. At this time, however, the process mainly involves increasing the connections brain cells make with neighbouring cells rather than significantly increasing the actual number of cells; although new brain cells continue to develop throughout life. One brain cell can connect with thousands of others and between the age of six and twelve, brain cells develop many more connections and thus create many new pathways for nerve signals. This period is followed by a significant pruning of unwanted connections and pathways, a process which is guided both genetically and on a 'use it or lose it' basis. At the same time, the remaining brain cells (and thus brain pathways) change so that they become better (faster) at sending signals; a process that continues until the age of 40 years.

This adolescent 'culling and re-organisation period' tends to happen in the back part of the brain first and then gradually progresses forwards, a process that is not complete until probably about the age of 23 years in men and a bit earlier in women. This means that the general order in which brain functions mature is as follows (first to last);

At the onset of puberty hormones also have important effects on the brain, especially those from the adrenal glands. These hormones act on brain receptors that control the release of chemicals (such as serotonin) responsible for controlling mood and excitability.

How adolescents respond to situations is a balance between these stimulating hormonal mechanisms and suppressing higher brain mechanisms. During puberty, hormones are raging and higher brain functions are nowhere near fully developed and it is thus easy to understand why adolescents sometimes act inappropriately and tend to be greater risk takers.

Significantly, all this happens while adolescents are trying to cope with huge changes in their bodies, taking on added responsibilities such as driving a motor vehicle, and trying to address difficult issues such as responsible alcohol consumption.

As the hormones kick in earlier in females, they are affected first. Females also tend to come out of adolescent behavioural patterns earlier than males because their hormone levels settle down earlier and the brain developments mentioned above also start and finish earlier. What parents need to do is the following.

Adolescence would be made easier if the adult community acted more responsibly by ensuring that adolescents are not overburdened with unnecessary and unhelpful pressures. Why our community allows some commercial interests to target and exploit these vulnerable members of society is a question all adults (and more particularly the politicians who represent them) should ask themselves. Do we need our teenagers to be targeted by companies promoting alcoholic products, unhealthy foods and unhealthy body images. 'Corporate pedophilia' is what parenting expert Steve Biddulph termed it in an article in the Sydney Morning Herald titled 'Teenage girls under attack'. (Jun 2nd, 2007.
 www.smh.com.au/articles/2007/06/01/1180205509747.html)

‘The health and wellbeing of young people is a critical measure of a society for two reasons: in moral terms, how well a society cares for its weak and vulnerable is a measure of how civilised it is; in more pragmatic terms, a society that fails to cherish its young, fails. It’s as simple as that.’

Richard Eckersley, Australian scientist and author.

Hopefully the rest of the information in this section will be a help to parents, teachers and other responsible adults in their battle to nurture and support Australia's younger generation / future leaders.

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Being a parent today

“If you bungle raising your children, I don’t think whatever else you do well matters very much.”
 Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis (1929 – 1994), US First Lady

Successful parenting is one of the most challenging tasks an adult can face and the consequences of doing a poor job will live with parents for the rest of their lives. On the other hand, the rewards for doing a good job in guiding a child into adulthood are incalculable. Good parenting is a family asset that is likely to be handed down for many generations to come.

In addition, it is often easy to forget that children and teenagers can be a very positive influence for parents. They provide energy, a positive outlook and new ideas; the traumas they seem to be continually facing are reminders that problems can be faced and overcome; and, although society is sometimes reluctant to admit it, they usually provide good company.

“It seems to me that since I’ve had children I’ve grown richer and deeper. They may have slowed down my writing for a while, but when I did write, I had more of a self to speak from”
Anne Tyler (1941 - ), US writer

Parenting is harder than it used to be

Over the past 30 years there have been changes in our society that have made parenting more difficult. These changes include:

This means that parents more than ever need to find more time for their children and to seek out advice regarding beneficial parenting practices.

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Learning about parenting

With the above in mind, it is very unfortunate that many parents do not choose to educate themselves regarding how to become better parents. For many, antenatal classes are the start and finish of their learning process.

Much of the knowledge adults have of parenting is based on childhood experiences of their own parents' skills at parenting and this may not be the best educational material available. It makes good sense to gain a broader view of what works and what doesn’t, and there are many excellent information sources available.

Why don’t parents make use of parenting resources? Here are several reasons often cited.

 My kids are doing OK and I don’t need it……… This may be the case but what about being prepared for problems that might occur and learning about the ‘early warning’ signs of common problems children might develop. And problems are common. Fifty per cent of children encounter bullying at school and 30 per cent will have suffered some mental health problem by the age of 18.
My teenagers don’t listen to me. They are only influenced by their friends….. This is just not true. Children learn from all their experiences and the more parents are around and part of that experience, the more they will learn from them. How often is it remarked that children have grown up just like their parents. (Being a good example is obviously a help here!!)
My children are in their late teenage years and are too old to learn anything……This is a frightening thought. Try to imagine what the world would be like if everyone stopped learning about life at the age of 17. And it is also not just a matter of learning what to do. Many children know the right thing to do but need to know how to put that knowledge into practice and parents can be a great help here.
You can’t be taught how to be a good parent....There is a great deal of evidence showing that improving parenting practices can significantly benefit child development. 

Where to get help (See further information at the end of this section)

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A ‘healthy’ approach to parenting

Perfection is impossible

Parents are seemingly always being told what to do in order to become better at bringing up their children. That is what this section is all about and I should say that it is probably the most important part of the whole website. Certainly it is a topic that I have gone to a great deal of trouble researching and promoting.

However, it is important to emphasise that all parents live in their own real world and their circumstances are never perfect. Issues such as time limitations due to work commitments, lack of finances, illness etc limit what can be achieved. Thus, it is impossible to be a perfect parent.

Luckily research has shown that parents do not have to be good at every facet of parenting to succeed.  What is needed can be summarized in the following two recommendations.

1. Parents should attempt to build a loving relationship with their children through an effective ‘nurturing but firm’ parenting style. Much of the information below provided relates to accomplishing this task.

2. Parents should attempt to help their children by identifying and developing the strong areas in their lives. This web site can only offer a brief guide here, as every child will have very different circumstances / interests. Thus, each parent will need to spend a huge amount of effort over numerous years introducing their children to a wide range of activities / interests so that their children can find out what they enjoy / are skilled at. They then need to research the best options available regarding developing these interests. In doing this parents will need to consider:

Parents are often tempted to spend large amounts of time and effort trying to improve the ‘less-strong’ areas of their child’s life. Unfortunately these are often areas that the child does not enjoy, which can result negative experiences and increased friction in the home. (One reason this occurs is that the area is one that the parent likes or thinks is important / useful.) However, research has shown that building competence, self-esteem and resilience is better achieved through the positive experiences children enjoy when improving their ‘stronger areas’ and that, as a follow-on from this process, less strong areas improve anyway.

Parenting to help illness prevention - Which health problems develop during childhood and adolescence?

'Fifty years from now it will not matter what kind of car you drove, what kind of house you lived in, how much you had in your bank account, nor what your clothes looked like. But the world may be a better place because you were important in the life of a child.'
Anonymous
I have spotted this quote in a Sydney toyshop and, interestingly, a few years ago in the rest room in a coffee shop in Blayney, NSW.

When reading through the topics in this web site, it will become obvious that many serious adult health problems have their foundations at least in part in the person’s upbringing. Poor behaviours that are learnt at home or school by children and carried into their adult lives can lead to a very impressive list of physical and mental health problems including the major ones mentioned in the following table.

Medical problem

Problem behaviour learnt in childhood*

Heart attacks and strokes

Poor diet leading to obesity, (and thus also diabetes)

Poor diet leading to high cholesterol

Lack of physical activity

Cancer

Smoking

Poor diet and lack of exercise that causes obesity. (Obesity is linked to several cancers including breast cancer)

Inadequate fruit, vegetable and fibre intake.

Excessive alcohol intake (Liver, breast and other cancers)

Excessive sun exposure (Melanomas / other skin cancers)

Type 2 diabetes

Poor diet that causes obesity

Lack of exercise that causes obesity

Anxiety and depression

Inadequate development of resilience and self esteem

Physical injury and mental illness due to assault / motor vehicle accidents

Excessive alcohol intake

Illicit drug intake

Alcohol related diseases such as liver disease and pancreatitis

Excessive alcohol intake

Poor self esteem / resilience

*Poor self-esteem and lack of resilience that are developed in childhood are a major factor in the development of and inability to overcome most of the poor behaviours mentioned, including poor diet, lack of exercise, inappropriate alcohol intake, smoking and illicit substance use. Good parenting is vital in preventing lack of resilience / poor self-esteem. See below!!

 

The problem behaviours mentioned in the above table are usually well entrenched by adulthood and are very difficult to treat. For example, only about 15 per cent of adults who seriously attempt weight loss succeed in the long term. Change in these behaviours can be achieved in adult life but It is just much easier not to have the problems in the first place. This is why the current epidemic of obesity and lack of physical activity in children is such a disaster.

 

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Creating self-confident, resilient and healthy children

Two fundamental parenting processes are required to help create healthy, self-confident, resilient children and in so doing help prevent the development of behaviours that lead to the illnesses mentioned above.

1. Helping children identify and appreciate healthy life options

“Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.”
                                                         James Baldwin (1924-1987), US writer

An important part of setting a good example is for parents to take care of and respect themselves. If parents see themselves as being ‘worth looking after’ and worthy of consideration by others then their children are likely to feel the same way about themselves.
Parents also need to show respect, kindness, generosity and love to other family members and friends.

Promoting a healthy body image in children

In modern Australian society children are bombarded with messages about how they should look, primarily from the marketing industry. Most of these images are unhealthy in themselves and impossible to achieve for most children; and while girls are most commonly impacted by such marketing, unrealistic / unhealthy muscular images for men have similar effects on some boys. Failure to attain these unrealistic aims impairs the self-esteem of many children and adolescents, which in turn can lead to anxiety and depression. Other problems can also result, including a lifetime of poor eating habits, the use of drugs to reduce weight in the case of girls (i.e. caffeine and nicotine) or put on muscle in the case of boys (e.g. steroid drugs), and even bulimia  and anorexia.

 

Parents can help minimize the impact of these influences by:

  • Praising children for who they are rather than how they look
  • Ensuring they do not focus excessively on their own appearance (It is still important to look after one’s self.)
  • Ensuring all family members consume a varied and healthy diet and participate in exercise habits that promote health, fitness and enjoyment.
  • Educate family members about the benefits or otherwise of various food choices.
  • Avoiding making comments about the appearance of others, especially other children.
  • Restricting exposure of children to television programs (e.g. music video programs), magazines, computer games, and toys (some dolls etc) that promote unhealthy images.
  • Refraining from purchasing clothing that inappropriately ‘sexualizes’ younger girls.

All this will require constant monitoring of what children are doing. Parents need to be around.

 

2. Creating an environment that promotes the development of resilience.

Life is not always easy and the child’s environment will not always be optimal. Children will often face problems that may hinder their healthy development both physically and mentally. If they are to avoid being harmed in the long-term by these situations, they will need to learn how to make the ‘right’ decisions in difficult circumstances, how to learn from mistakes and how to face life with a positive attitude. That is, learn to be resilient.

The important topic of resilience and how to develop it will now be looked at in detail.

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Resilience

 What is resilience?

Here are a couple of quotes that spell out what resilience is.

‘Resilience is the universal capacity which allows a person, group or community to prevent, minimise or overcome the damaging effects of adversity.’
Edith Gotberg 2000

‘Building resilience is a never-ending upward spiral of coping with and taking charge of problems, solving them one at a time, and transforming failures into strategies that can be used to cope with and take charge of the next problem.’
Lynne Michael Blum, American psychologist

Important long-term harms caused by inadequate resilience are chronic anxiety and depression, both of which are major health problems for developed countries such as Australia. Of special concern is that they commonly affect young adults at times when they are trying to sort out important aspects of their lives, such as what vocation to take up and who their future partner will be. (Young parents are also affected, which unfortunately assists the transmission of these problems to future generations.)

With this in mind, over the past 30 years much research has been done to try to find ways of promoting resilience in young people (and adults); fortunately with considerable success.  Common characteristics found in resilient children include the following:

(More information on which groups of children at most at risk of developing anxiety and depression is provided in the section on preventing these conditions in children.)

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Promoting resilience – A six point outline of how to do it.

Resilience needs to be learned throughout childhood and for this to occur, parents / teachers need to learn how to teach / encourage it. (Young children are incapable of reading about it and older children are pretty unlikely to!!) Research has shown that adopting the following advice can help parents promote resilience in their children.

1. Provide a warm and respectful parenting style where trusting and loving relationships thrive.

As part of this process, make a habit of seeing the positives as well as the negatives. Child behaviour often provides reason for parental complaint. However, it is more helpful not to jump on little every error / problem and look for the good things that children do and give appropriate praise / reward. Being positive reassures the child regarding their parent’s love for them. When reprimand is required, try saying something like ‘I love you but I can’t stand your behaviour’ rather than ‘you statements’ that accuse. Remember that all people, including children, tend to take less notice of people who are always complaining about something.

In being firm parents need to:

Finally, remember that rewarding responsible behaviour will encourage more of the same!! A good way to do this is to increase opportunities for independence.

Parenting programs

Two parenting programs that can help with ‘parenting direction’ are as follows. (See further information at the end of this section.)

  • The ‘Triple P’ parenting program
  • The Resilience Doughnut

2. Ensure there is an adult who cares for / loves the child no matter what happens is an extremely important asset.

This adult will usually be a parent but any adult close to the child can do this; a grandparent, an aunt or uncle, a teacher, a coach, an employer etc. And having more than one adult who cares for the young person is especially beneficial.

3. Provide a sense of belonging and connectedness through close contact with a wider family

Developing close relationships, based on respect, generosity, kindness and love, with family and friends helps children develop a sense of belonging and connectedness. They feel they are part of a group that is deserving of love; that is important. Other benefits include:

  • encouraging, by example, the same behaviour in children towards their current and future friends, which will provide benefits including a rich source of support when times are tough, and the opportunity of ‘fulfillment’ that helping others brings.
  • providing a ‘source’ of adults that parents like and approve of who can help mentor their children; and as just stated, this can be of great benefit in child resilience development.

4. Encourage the development of good problem-solving skills

5. Increase ‘success experiences’ by encouraging hobbies / interests that the child is good at; concentrate on their strengths.

The best way of promoting self-esteem in any person is for them to excel at some activity, and finding and promoting interests that a child enjoys and is good at is of fundamental importance in developing resilience. Being a success at just one activity can give a child the strength to cope with life’s stresses and most children are good at something. A wise principal said at school function that I attended that 'helping each child to be really good at one thing was one of her school’s most important tasks.' Praise is important for children but it is most beneficial when the child knows he or she has really earned it by performing well at a task.

6. Encourage activities which enable the child to help others

Schools often provide opportunities to participate in such activities as do outside organizations such as religious groups, the scouting movement etc.

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Parenting styles that are best avoided

Over-controlling parenting
Parents should avoid ‘over-controlling’ practices, such as:

  • being over-protective and thus discouraging opportunities for the child to be challenged and achieve.
  • continually expecting too much of the child, leading to ‘perceived failures’ and reduced self-confidence
  • using threats (physical or psychological) to control behaviour, which results in resentment.

Such parenting either results in compliance that stunts the child’s individuality and development or puts the teenager ‘in a corner’ which can result in unhealthy rebellious behaviours, such as alcohol / drug use.

Over-indulging parenting
Over-indulging parents let their children do too much of what ever they like. Children need limits that they know will lead to significant consequences if they are not adhered to. Over-indulging parenting is usually designed to prevent conflict and is common in insecure parents who misinterpret bad child behaviour as dislike for them. It is also more common where poor inter-parent communication results in a non-coordinated approach to parenting. 
Most children in the longer term (which is what matters) see over-indulgent parenting as non-caring. 

‘Tolerance taken too far becomes indifference and freedom abandonment.’

                       Richard Eckersley, Australian Scientist and philosopher from his book Well and Good How we feel and why it matters, Text Publishing, Melbourne, 2004.

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Communicating with and looking after children and teenagers – Some practical advice

Successfully bringing up children is the most demanding and rewarding thing that most adults attempt. It is unfortunately not something that comes naturally and can be incredibly frustrating. This section outlines some general practical advice regarding caring for and coping with children.

Increasing time spent with children

1. Allocate adequate time for children

Advice regarding parenting is useless if parents are not around enough to use it. While parents often have little choice regarding how hard they have to work, it is important to plan as much family time together as possible. Many activities can be done together. Some of the suggestions below will help.

Above all, do not put off parenting. The years go by very quickly and the opportunities to enjoy and ‘mould’ children quickly pass by; as do their opportunities to enjoy family experiences and learn from parents. Probably the most important learning period for children is the first few years of life!!!

‘Many things we need can wait, the child cannot… His name is today’’
Gabriela Mistral, Chilean Nobel Laureate, 1889-1957

2. Useful ways to increase time with children

All opportunities to be with children are important to grasp. Here are a few suggestions.

  • Be involved in what they do outside the home. Helping organize their activities, for example by being a manager or coach of a sporting team, is a great way of keeping the communication lines open. Just driving them to activities allows parents communication time that is hard to get back at home. And the game can be discussed.   
  • Read to younger children each day: Children’s books are great fun and can be a very good educational resource; certainly the content is better than most TV programs and the parent can choose what is read!!
  • Take an interest in schoolwork / homework. For example, parents can read their child’s English texts.
  • Try to have sit-at-the-table-no-TV-watching family meals as often as possible; at least several times every week. Teenagers are good at making these occasions brief by racing off after quickly scoffing down the food, usually saying they have to do homework! This can be circumvented by having two small courses rather than just one. Perhaps a treat dessert or a soup, many of which can be made in quantity and stored in the freezer / fridge.
  • Prepare meals together (Encourage a child to have their own ‘special meal’ that he or she is responsible for preparing.)
  • Do chores around the house together (e.g. washing up the dishes. This also helps prevent children quickly rushing away from the evening meal.)
  • Make time for family occasions, especially on the weekends. Weekends have been taken away from families by increased parent and student work commitments and shopping. Where possible, take some weekend time back for picnics or the movies. Other families or relatives can also be involved.
  • Give each child a section of the garden. Perhaps each family member could be responsible for a part of a vegetable patch. This is best started ‘early on’ in life. Families who live in an apartment and do not have a garden can buy a large pot for the verandah in which herbs or flowers can be grown.
  • Learning to drive. Teenagers need to get up to 120 hours of driving experience to obtain their license. This is a wonderful opportunity to spend quality time together. They want to be with their ‘instructor parent’ and it is important that parents make themselves available. (It is very reasonable to insist that the radio is turned off to reduce 'driver distractions' and this will help communication.)
  • Christmas cards / presents: The end of the year is often a time that families give presents to those who have helped them during the year, such as teachers, doctors, vets, dentists, ambulance personel, the local police and ‘firemen/firewomen’ etc. Making cards and presents such as shortbread, cakes etc with children is a great way to teach them to appreciate these often ‘taken for granted services.’ Just making personalized Christmas cards for family and friends is a lovely and greatly appreciated thought.

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Overseeing children at home and outside the home

1. Keep children active.

By far the best way of keeping children occupied and thus out of trouble is to keep them involved in things they enjoy. Sport is a great choice as it helps burn up some teenage energy / aggression in a (usually) positive manner. Increasing their opportunities to be active at home by doing regular activities like family walks and providing table tennis, basket ball hoops, a piano, board games and the like will also help.

2. Provide a healthy eating environment:

 Try to make sure adequate time is available to prepare healthy meals and involve children so that they can learn. Avoid having too many takeaway meals / processed foods. Have a pantry and refrigerator full of healthy food options. (See section on childhood obesity for more information on child nutrition, including suggestions re healthy snacks.)

3. Restrict access to TVs and computers

4. Know where children at all times.

Allowing appropriate freedoms is part of letting children grow up. However, it is important to know where children are and that they are in a safe environment. Dropping them off and picking them up from the ‘entertainment venue’ provides the best chance of knowing where they have been. (The recent tendency in more affluent areas to allow teenagers to be picked up from parties etc by taxi is an example of how not to know where children are.)

5. Provide adequate supervision for children when they are at home.

With many families having two working parents, providing adequate care for children can be a challenge, especially after school and during school holidays. However, children can be tempted to use the internet unwisely, have unscheduled visits from friends that parents may not know, try unhealthy habits such as smoking etc when they know they are going to be left on their own. (After school is a common time for such activities.) Sharing child care with trusted friends, asking grandparents for help, using school after-care facilities, organizing sporting activities in this time can all help. If older children do need to be left on their own regularly, being unpredictable about ‘coming home times’ can be a good tactic.

6. Part-time jobs and pocket money.

Put very simply, alcohol and illicit drugs are expensive and one of the best ways to ensure they are not procured is to restrict cash available to your children. Do not leave money lying around and ensure that the money they do get they have to earn and will therefore appreciate.
A part time job allows a child to learn many lessons, including getting along with people, being responsible / reliable, punctuality, the importance of honesty, and, of course, to value money. A good time to encourage part-time work is in the middle years of high school, when time away from study is less critical.

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Helping children at school and in the community

1.   Encourage participation in extra-curricular school activities and community-based activities.

Introducing children to a variety of activities is an important part of helping them find out what they want to do and be involved in later life. It is also important in helping them develop socalising and organisating skills and helps build friendships. There are a multitude of extra-curricular school activities and community-based activities available.
While a degree of perseverance is often required in the initial stages of introducing a child to a new activity, there is no point in prolonging the agony of persisting with an activity the child does not like and is not interested in. Try something else.
On the other hand, it is important to identify an activity that the child is interested in and promote this. This can involve:

  • getting specialist training
  • setting specific goals
  • participating in special holiday courses
  • doing examinations.
  • joining an organization / club, such as sporting clubs and orchestras / bands.

Organizations that are not devoted to one particular activity, such as scouts / guides, are an option as are religious groups and youth divisions of service clubs. 
In older children, helping other children learn the basics of their skill helps provide leadership experience; for example, by becoming a referee and helping with coaching.
And finally, do not forget the local library; reading is a great and cheap activity for children (and adults.

2. Ensure children have friends outside their school groups:

Having friends outside school ensures the problems that inevitably occur within 'school groups' are not as life-shattering as they might otherwise be. This is especially important with girls. Sporting clubs, church groups, musical bands / orchestras, and other organisations that involve activities the child is interested in are good places to develop such friendships.

3. Keep in touch with the parents of your child’s friend’s.

Talking to other parents about what is happening and listening to what they have to say can be quite informative. It is also often very reassuring to find out that most parents are worried about the same things, and, contrary to what children often say, do wish to restrict their children’s activities in the same ways too. It is very helpful to have the contact numbers of the parents of children's friends stored on a mobile phone if you have one. Adolescents are very good at working together as a group to organise themselves and the increased privacy that mobile phones have allowed them has made this even easier. Social activities can easily be organised after leaving home.  If parents are to have any hope of coping with such tactics, they need to talk to each other.
If parents find they get along well, then ‘get-togethers’ and even holidays together can be very beneficial and enjoyable for both families.

4.   Being involved in school parent associations.

This is a great way to keep abreast of what is happening both at school and in the local teenager community in general. And it shows parents care about what their children are doing.

Make sure there are other trusted adults that teenagers can confide in.

It is very helpful for children to develop trusting relationships with other adults, usually close family friends or relatives. (Teenagers often like to talk to someone outside the immediate family.) A teacher who takes a special interest in their studies is also very helpful.

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Issues regarding parents and how they cope

1. The relationship of parents to each other is vital.

More than anything else, the parental relationship defines the emotional climate of the home. A relationship where both partners care for and show respect for each other is a good way of showing their child what they should do and what they should expect from boyfriends / girlfriends / future partners. Children know when there are real problems and it is very difficult to bring up children well when parents do not communicate about / are divided on parenting issues. It is therefore vital that both parents devote adequate time and effort to ensure that their relationship is as harmonious as possible. Such care and respect can be shown even when parents have separated. (This subject is discussed in detail in the topic ‘Relationships’ in the section on Mental Health.)

2. Parents need to ‘survive’ if they are to help their children grow. Remember the following.

  • Most of the time untoward behaviour is just a normal part of adolescents growing up and flexing their ‘independence muscles’.
  • A child’s less than perfect behaviour should not be taken personally; it is not really targeted at parents, even if it might seem so at the time.
  • Providing some time out for themselves is important for parents. They should not let trying 'children issues' completely run / ruin their lives.
  • Do not give up. Adolescence is temporary.
  • Get help if needed. Counsellors, GPs etc have a wealth of experience in dealing with adolescent behaviour issues that parents do not possess and the alternate strategies / viewpoints that they can provide can be very helpful.

3. Continually assess parenting.

Parents need to continually ask themselves whether what they are doing is helping their child become a more independent, competent and responsible adult.

4. Parents need to show a good example.

Children learn much of their behaviour from their parents. Therefore, as mentioned above, parents need to provide a good example. Several important areas are:

  • Parents' relationship with each other: (See above.)
  • Parents relationships with other family members, including their own parents, and friends: (See above)
  • Alcohol (and other drug use): If parents are to expect their child to use alcohol responsibly then they need to do the same. One of the main reasons that there is a large youth alcohol problem in Australia is that Australia has a long-standing culture of adult excessive alcohol use and it is not getting any better. Appropriate alcohol use is one of the major health issues teenagers face and a coordinated parental policy re its use by all family members is vital for the health of the family and all its members. And when an adult is responsible for the care of children, alcohol use is best avoided; especially if near water.
  • Problem solving: (See above.)
  • Healthy eating and physical activity 

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Changing parenting - Where to start

Where each parent starts with improving their parenting depends on how they are coping.

Families who are coping well

Families who are under strain
As well as adopting the above recommendations, parents with problems need to:

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Some examples of changes that can make a difference

(These are just a few examples. It could be a very long list.)

  • Have two extra nights each week where dinner is had together as a family
  • Have dinner away from the TV during week nights (or every night)
  • Have two family walks together each week for at least half an hour
  • Have two TV free days (and nights) each week (Try reading, games, music, long walks etc instead)
  • Introduce a new activity that the whole family can enjoy
  • Introduce a new child activity or develop further an activity the child already does and enjoys.
  • Become involved in a school parent group or a club / organisation the child belongs to.
  • Ask children to do more around the home (especially tasks that parents and children can do together) and appropriately reward them for their help
  • When old enough, encourage the child to get some appropriate part-time work
  • Read to younger children every day – before bedtime for half an hour or so
  • Look at personal alcohol use, especially when around children (e.g. in the evenings). As well as affecting personality, alcohol causes sedation (increases sleepiness) that discourages interaction with children.
  • Set a time aside each week to discuss family issues / problems.
  • Start a vegetable garden that the whole family helps with. (Give each family member a specific part of the garden.)

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The Resilience Doughnut Program

A practical program to help parents develop ‘Resilience promoting’ factors in their children

This program was developed by Sydney-based psychologist Lyn Worsley, and is based on current research findings about building resilience in children, including that from ‘The international Resilience Project’.

The overall aim of the program is to identify the areas of a ‘child’s life’ where resilience-building factors are already present and working well. Then, rather than build up areas that are not working as well, the program suggests ways that the child’s strong areas can be further enhanced. Research has shown that this approach:

The program suggests that the best three of the following seven areas should be focused on.

This program has many attributes, which is why it is mentioned here. These include the following.

The Resilience Doughnut Program is outlined in a book published by Lyn Worsley, which can be purchased through her website: www.lynworsley.com.au
It is a program that would benefit most parents and the book is one that all parents should consider reading. (The cost is about $30.)

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Further information on parenting

The Sydney Children's Hospitals Network (includes The Children’s Hospital at Westmead.)

This hospital network's web site (https://www.schn.health.nsw.gov.au) is a great source of information on children’s health topics. It provides fact sheets about many child health issues that are free and downloadable and lists books on most child health topics that have been assessed by members of the medical staff at the hospital. These books are available for purchase from the Kids Health Bookshop at The Children’s Hospital at Westmead (Phone 02 – 9845 3585) or they can be purchased via the ‘e-shop’ on the web site. Any profits go into supporting the work of the hospital.

Some suggested books on parenting children

Every parent. A positive approach to children’s behaviour  by  Matthew R Sanders, PhD.

More Secrets Of Happy Children  by Steve Biddulph

Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child: the Heart of Parenting by J. Gottman & J. Declaire. Published by Simon
& Schuster, Sydney, 1998.

Raising Kids- A parent’s survival guide by Charles Watson, Dr Susan Clarke and Linda Walton.

The Confident Child byT. Apter. Published by WW Norton & Co, New York, 2006

Bully Busting by Evelyn M. Field

Raising Boys  by Steve Biddulph

Your Child's Self Esteem  by  Dorothy Corkhille Briggs

Some suggested books on parenting adolescents

What to do when your children turn into teenagers  by Dr D. Bennett and Dr Leanne Rowe (This is a wonderful book that is unfortunately now out of print. Second hand copies may still be available.)

You can't make me  by Dr D. Bennett and Dr Leanne Rowe

I just want you to be happy. Preventing and tackling teenage depression. by Professors Leanne Rowe, David Bennett and Bruce Tonge. Published by Allen and Uwin, 2009.

Puberty boy  by  Geoff Price

Puberty girl  by  Shushann Movsessian

The puberty book  by  Wendy Darvill and Kelsey Powell

Teen esteem by Dr P. Palmer and M. Froehner

Most children suffer anxieties at some time and another book (not on the above list) that is very useful for parents is - Helping your anxious child. A step by step guide for parents. by Rapee, R., Spence, S., Cobham, V. and Wignall, A.New Harbinger, 2000.

Parenting websites

Triple P Positive Parenting Program
www.triplep.net.

The Resilience Doughnut parenting program to help build child resilience
The Resilience Doughnut Program is outlined in a book published by Lyn Worsley, which can be purchased through her website: www.lynworsley.com.au  (The cost is about $30)

Child and Youth Health
Parenting and child and youth health; links to research updates; telephone helps lines for parents and youth.
www.cyh.com

 

Further information on sexual health

Sexual health information
www.shinesa.org.au

Family Planning NSW
https://www.fpnsw.org.au

The Resource Center for Adolescent Pregnancy Prevention web site
(A good USA site that provides information and skills for both adolescents and for educators about preventing unwanted teenage pregnancies.)
www.etr.org/recapp

 

Further reading regarding teenager sexual health

Sexwise by Dr Janet Hall. Published by Random House Australia.
(What every young person and parent should know about sex. Dr Hall empowers her readers by telling them the facts - and giving it to them straight.)

Unzipped by Bronwyn Donaghy. Published by Harper Collins 
(A book that deals frankly and sympathetically with the crucial role that love and emotions play in every aspect of adolescent sexuality.)

Further titles regarding puberty and adolescent sexuality are available on the Children’s Hospital at Westmead web site. www.chw.edu.au/parents/books. (Both the above books are mentioned on this web site and are recommended by staff at this hospital.)

 

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